“the show must go on”

Creators of Justice Award 2020 | Second Prize: Poetry

David A. Gaines (Dave G) is a poet, actor, and educator born and raised in uptown Philadelphia. As a product of a traditional Baptist household and a child of hip-hop culture, he uses his poetry to analyze and unpack how the performance of religion and gender intersect within his personal life and the greater Black community. On any given day, you can find Dave working on his debut collection of poetry, soft boy., which will be publicized on his twitter/instagram (@davegpoetry) and website (www.davegpoetry.com) upon completion.

an acting teacher told me
the worst thing an actor can do is break character.

in high school i punched a boy to impress some other boys.

i earned their respect. a pitiful wage.

i heard the boy cried
himself to sleep that night. how jealous i am of his fatigue.

vulnerability
is a dangerous stunt.

to project is to make
a stunt double out of someone.

i don’t know how to cry
so i made him do it for me.

i’m even violent in my sleep. i toss & turn. i jolt & kick.

but what man hasn’t spent
a dark night heavy and restless

under the weight of a role? i was cast at birth.

my mother says it’s a boy my father sharpens his knives

carves my family like a crescent moon.

i once drove 20 miles in the wrong direction

despite realizing it after the first 10.

i couldn’t accept my mistake so i just kept going.

the greater the loss the tighter the grip on what’s left.

every man is a graveyard
of stifled hurt & buried emotion

so there will always be more skeletons than men who admit to making them.

i memorized the gendered script. auditioned as a real man
& became understudy.

in my relationships
i want to wear the pants but they’re highwaters.

i feel feminine
in all the wrong places.

i’m not afraid of being afraid
but i fear who i am if i am not feared.

my friends call me non-threatening & i swallow the compliment

despite it sitting in my stomach like a sour treason.

there i go again typecasting myself. always playing the victim.

there is no applause for what must be done.

some weeks after i made a boy weep i walked into my study hall

& another boy fixed his gaze on me. when it lingered past comfort

i asked is there something in my teeth?he replied my fist if you disrespect me again.

he threatened me every time we crossed paths for months.

i know he didn’t really want to hurt me. he just wanted me to break.